I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
