The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
