onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
