Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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