So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
