Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
