roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
