The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
