two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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