I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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