u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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