i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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