Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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