I met the friendliest cop last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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