We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
