I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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