it was like his penis was on wheels.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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