btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
