Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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