those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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