Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
