I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
