One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
