I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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