I wish life had little blips of pornography
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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