dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
