True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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