just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
