Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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