I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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