i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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