fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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