can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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