so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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