I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ladies don't puke and tell
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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