My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
