i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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