the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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