please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
