i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
