My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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