there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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