I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
