id be glad to
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
