So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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