the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think I won the penis lottery.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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