I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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