Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
