shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
