I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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