he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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