Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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